Luke Skywalker is Lame

One could say that Lucas is to blame for this character, but let's assume that young Skywalker is a real person. Don't misunderstand, I love Star Wars. I grew up with it and I swear I spent hours trying to envoke my inner telekinetic powers. But I was a kid and prone to do stupid things, much like Luke. We've all played a certain game at some point in our lives: "Who Would you rather be"... Luke or Han Solo? It's always Solo. Luke or Vader? Easy, Vader. Solo or Vader? Oh, tough one!!! I think I would rather be the Princess than Luke, given the choice.

LIke Admiral Ozzel, he's as clumsy as he is stupid.

Episode IV, "A New Hope"

His first whining words say it all, "But I was going to Tashi [sic] Station to pick up some power converters". Shut up and take the droids to the garage like Uncle Owen told you. In the garage he is then seen playing with a model Imperial Space Shuttle. How old are you? No wonder Uncle Owen doesn't want him to join the academy, he doesn't even have the right toys. Upon entering what is most likely his first trip to a bar, he manages to piss off two creatures by looking like a fish out of water and Obi Wan had to come to the rescue. Fast forward to the scene where Luke finds himself in the garbage compartment with the Princess, Solo and Chewy. He feels something move past his leg and yet doesn't move to high ground and gets sucked into the nasty refuse. This theme plays itself out over and over again throughout the series. Upon escape he sees Obi Wan killed by Vader and screams, "NO", giving away their position and endangering the posse. Again, SHUT UP! Obviously being chased by the Empire, he decides that pining over the death of his short term friend is more important than escape. It's a good thing Solo slapped him out of his funk and made him take the controls of a gun. In the final battle, we see Skywalker trying to destroy the Death Star. The target is a 2 meter shaft along the equator and what does our supposed hero do? Instead of firing directly at it, he decides that traveling horizontally is a better idea. He misses the first shot but doesn't learn the lesson. Luckily he hits the spot on the second approach. This theme repeats itself in the next movie.

Two most important rules about going clubbing:
1. Don't bring the droids
2. Don't touch the bartender.

Episode V, "The Empire Strikes Back"

Definitely the best movie ever, even in light of Luke's ridiculous behavior. In the beginning we see Luke and Han searching for lifeforms on their Ton-Ton's. Luke sees what he thinks is a meteorite and decides to investigate, as if meteorites are uncommon. I mean, for real! With all of the meteorites in the system it would be difficult to see approaching ships. His Ton-Ton starts freaking out and Luke gets bitch slapped by a huge Yeti (<-- lifeform?). For a guy that possess "The Force", his horse is better attuned to danger. Next we see him hanging upside down in the Yeti cave. He harnesses his special powers, retrieving his light saber, freeing himself and slicing the monster's arm off. The arm slicing thing is another topic all together. What does he do next? He leaves the cave! WTF are you doing? Get back in the cave and finish the job, it's cold outside. Kill the Yeti and start a fire. You've got a light saber, it's literally DISARMED... I think I see a way out. He then collapses and hears Obi Wan telling him to go to the Dagobah System. Here, let me rewrite this exchange: "Luke. Luke! Wake up dumbass. You will go to the Dagobah System. There you will learn common sense from Yoda, the Jedi Master who instructed me. He will teach you things like staying in the fucking cave when it's cold outside". It's a good thing Solo shows up to save his sorry ass... again. Instead of repeating words like, "Yoda" and "Dagobah System", he should have said things like, "Cave" and "Fire" and "One Armed Yeti". The Empire then wages a land war using Imperial Walkers which is stupid for many reasons, notably being that tall quadrupeds on ice is a bad idea. Luke doesn't seem to learn from his earlier mistakes because he uses the same tactic as seen in Episode 4. Instead of hitting them from the top or from behind, he approaches them directly on a horizontal pitch. But then he learns that wrapping a cable around the feet will fall the walkers. Ya' think? He gets shot down (predictable) and is almost crushed by a walker when he discovers that he can throw a rope up to the belly of the walker, open it like a Ton-Ton (Solo Style) and throw a grenade inside. I think I see a couple ways out of this problem. On his way to the Dagobah System, R2D2 offers to take the helm and Luke refuses. At which point he wrecks his X-Wing fighter into the marsh (predictable). In the final sword fight, Vader throws debris at him using "The Force", which we know Luke is capable of doing himself. Sure, Luke gets in one good shot but then he loses his hand (Lucas has a hand fetish). After he gets his ass kicked, he starts crying upon hearing the news that Vader is his Father. In order to solve all of his problems, he attempts suicide but can't even manage that. How does one fail by dropping from a cloud city? He gets his sorry ass saved once more, this time by Sissy.

can you say "over-acting"?

Episode VI, "Return of the Jedi"

What an idiot! He shows up to Jabba's compound without knowing that the Princess and Lando are already there. More, he apperently shows up unarmed. What happened to his light saber? He's either arrogant or simply stupid.  What did he think, that Jabba the Gangsta' wasn't going to be armed to the teeth? [If Jabba had teeth, he would have had Grillz]. A light saber would have come in really handy against the dungeon monster, which he was required to fight when Fatboy O.G. opened the floor from underneath him (even C3PO saw it coming). Instead, he uses a bone from an earlier victim and shoves it in its mouth.  Good thing he had a rock to throw at the contol panel (I'm thinking "The Force" would have been more useful). We learn later that R2D2 had the light saber all along when it was propelled to Luke during the sand monster escape. Can you see the same solution that I do? It's called, "Being Pro-Active".  It was sad when Yoda died, but not to Luke. He pined over "Old Ben", who taught him almost nothing, much less than Yoda, who taught him everything. This movie will always be accredited to the hairy, Wizard of Oz munchkins that save the day. Actually, Luke has a very limited role in this episode (Thanks George). What's interesting is that he doesn't actually defeat the Emperor, Vader does. After Luke gives away that he has a sister, he get's his hat handed to him through a series of electrocutions and then Daddy comes to his rescue. The only cool points that Luke gets is making the Oompa Loompas believe that C3PO was a golden God.  On the other hand... they were already tied to the stake and about to be dinner. Again... Be Pro-Active. The scariest thing was when he learned that Leia was his Sister and he didn't freak out about the kiss in Episode 5.

You are unwise to lower your defenses

Next I'll discuss what a complete asshole C3PO is (for being a diplomatic droid) and what R2D2 is actually saying. Well, maybe not. It's mostly comprised of phrases like, "Shut up, metal dick" and "Luke, you are a crying moron like your Father".

Note:  "Rebel Alliance" is just another way of saying "Terrorist Organization".